I hate being misunderstood so badly. And now I feel ignored, and despised by them.

I did make a mistake but it seems like no one really cares to forgive me for it. I can't do anything about that.

I do not like to feel cheated, used, lied to.

I detest being alone. No one to talk to, no one to rely on, no one to have around for me. A day or two ago it probably would've bothered you how hurt I am right now, but now it doesn't matter anymore. Wow that really hurts even more.

I loathe the fact that both my best friends have abandoned me. One's sick and has inadvertently left all the work of choreographing to me (I don't blame her but it sucks) The other's so busy and has so many things going onnn (I don't blame her either because she hasn't seen her friends in ages) But still ultimately it really sucks.

I do not like feeling so crushed and tired and sad and hurt and like empty.

It's just a total accumulation of things.

Like how suddenly every one's gone.

Idk who else; but they're all just gone.

Jeremy is not worth talking to.

And the fact that the people who are supposed to care, don't/can't/aren't- really makes me wanna cry.

I'm so messed up.

It's the end of the year.

God snap your fingers and make a miracle.

Send me someone who'll turn my life back around.

So that maybe I can slowly build it back with his/her help.

And also in a way that'll bring me back to where you and I were before.

I need it.

Badly.

Nothing's left.

Once again.

I mean what should I expect right. I really did quite a dreadful thing. And I really was out of line. I honestly do regret it, idk if people can ever forgive me. Hope so :/

I miss having him around. It's like now that he's gone, I'm just kinda like *meh. My hand's feel empty not texting him. I still think about him, still think about what it could've been like. I mean I didn't want it to end but after everything I guess that's what we should do. He thinks we've lost it anyway and that there's no future for us. I just think that 2 months is still considerably early imho. And alternatively I would've carried on talking to him and all. But he says it's gone, so I guess. Gone.

Plus after all that I've said, nothing much I can ask for right. Whatever it is, it's over. I'm gonna have to deal with that.

I don't like talking to the guy still after things end because I know I will end up still stuck on the whole me and him idea. And it's better if I just stepped away. Even though right now I'd give anything I like call him and talk to him like nothing even happened.

Just thinking about it makes me wanna cry.

And I'm just gonna say everything here because no one reads this anyway.

I apologised to Georgia and she didn't say anything and that bugs me but what to do.

I apologised to both Brand and Mav- omg till now I still can't believe they thought it was them. I was talking about J & M oh gosh!? But yeah it bugs me that they can easily not believe me.

I apologised to Wee- and it's overrr.

I keep saying it so that like yknw it hits me. But it still doesn't. Yet. I think.

Fuck I'm so screwed luhhhh.

Okay I need to go cry.

xx

Anyway so here's my wellthoughtemolikehellpost;

You left more than a year ago as of now, and I guess you could say the 'withdrawal' symptoms have ceased. (I sound like a clingy, obsessed little child which I am not- ohfuq) Oh well anyway, I still do have the occasional times where I go- shit I wish you were here, I wish you still loved me, I wish you missed me.

I have it all on myself for your leaving. As much as I'd do anything for you to come back to me, I know it'll probably end badly. You have some chain effect on me. One small thing and I can easily .. for lack of a better word, want you all over again.

But the thing is, I don't. I really don't. You're not something I want in my life. Far from it, I'd run. It's always the things that are so wanted that are also equally easily repulsive.

Part of me wants you, part of me hates you. No one'll get it.

I have no idea why I'm blogging about this but yeah.

You screwed me over once, and that's not ever gonna happen again.

I do love you.

I do miss you.

I do kinda want you.

But I'm officially far from needing you.

I'm better off without you. No doubt.